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Tracklist
1. Breathtaking in Fawn Light
2. Darling I Am Surrounded By Love
3. Kamchatka (Red Fox Fur Coat)
4. Goonergirl Anthem
A short word about this EP:
I'm putting this on Neocities instead of Bandcamp bc my parents follow my Bandcamp and I'd rather they not see this tbh
I see my last three projects I've released before this to be interesting standouts in my discography thematically. endoskeleton colorbleed heaven's ending in decompositional fluids and The semen is demon [...] both heavily revolve around how spending a significant portion of my upbringing online have affected my psyche, especially sexually. I learned about pornography at the ripe age of 10, and proceeded to spend the next nine years of my life seeking out as much porn as I possibly could within my abnormally large range of sexual interests. By the time I was 12, I was somewhat aware that the frequency at which I masturbated and watched porn was abnormal, but I didn't really care enough to do anything about it. The dopamine I got from masturbating overrode the logic in my underdeveloped brain. When I was 13, I started to feel a little lonely. I wasn't even comfortable in the genders I was attracted to (I was bisexual at this point in my life), so I definitely wasn't comfortable with the aspects of my sexuality beyond gender. First and foremost, I have one specific fetish that can be traced back to very early in my life: fur. The way I experience it, it's kinda one of those fetishes you might run across on Instagram Reels, and it's obvious to you that it's somebody's fetish, but you can't fathom why somebody would be into it. Like somebody might beat their shit to a dude getting pied in the face or a woman stepping on toy cars (I'm hoping whoever's reading this is chronically online enough to understand why I may use those as examples), I beat my shit to things made of animal fur, and this has been my primary sexual interest for as long as I've experienced sexual feelings. There's a reason why I'm bringing this up, I promise. Funnily enough, back when I used to have limited screen time (2017-2018), and before I learned that touching myself was something I could do, I would sneak onto my iPad at night and look at pictures of people wearing fur coats. Saying that I had an iPad when I was a kid makes me feel really young. I promise I'm a grown ass adult, guys. Anyway, second and secondmost (I don't think that's a word?), I was a furry at this time. In case you've lost track of the story, I'm 13 at this point. Now, this was 2019-2020, so during the pre-to-early COVID pandemic. Furries were still the butt of a lot of jokes on the Internet, not that they aren't anymore, but I would say they're generally more widely accepted nowadays. I think the number of LARPers out there are a good sign of that. Back during my middle school days though, it felt pretty alienating to be a furry, especially since children in the early stages of puberty are worse people than Hitler. On top of being a fucking freak, I had been jerking off with very little restraint for a couple years, so I felt very addicted to porn. I had a lot of sexual thoughts and urges with functionally no healthy outlet. Eventually, instead of the usual porn sites (e621, PornHub, XTube, etc.), I began taking to Twitter and Reddit for porn. It felt like I had just tapped into an oil reserve. I realized that there were actually communities surrounding these things I was into. For a while, I was too afraid to actually talk to anybody about sexual topics, not even necessarily because I was too young, but because I was really embarrassed to be sexually aroused by cartoon animals and fur clothing. Eventually, I developed the courage to actually become involved in communities involving my fetishes. I was maybe 16 or so at that time, so it wasn't ideal, but I was looking for something more than just porn. I began talking to people on online forums, and I made an Instagram account to get involved in the fur fetish community on that site. I would talk to people online about my sexual fantasies, and it was so exciting to be able to talk to likeminded people after spending so many years only being able to vent my sexual fantasies through watching porn and occasionally making a really shitty drawing. By the time I was 18, I was still involved in Instagram's fur fetish community, and I was actually old enough to be able to share images and videos of my naked body without it being illegal. As far as I remember, I never did this prior. I was stupid enough to tell people I was older than I actually was to get them to talk with me sexually, but I don't think it ever escalated to the point of sharing my nudes. There was this one guy I met during a period of particularly high libido who was incredibly enthusiastic to trade videos with me. I did not find him attractive at all, but I began trading with him anyway, and we continued on and off for close to two months. It reached the point where I began to find him quite annoying, as all he would ever ask of me was to send videos of me doing the same shit over and over again. I ended up ghosting him and moving on with my life. Not long after, I found that he had been spreading videos of me around without my consent. Some dude sent me some pornographic videos because that's just what guys do online, and one of the videos happened to be of me. It was a little scary, but I was able to forget about. However, it did kinda make me realize what I had been doing for the last couple years. I allowed myself to be objectified by men online, and I similarly used them simply to fuel my libido, and it made me feel disgusting. I had allowed the alienation I felt being a sexual deviant drive me into porn addiction and engagement in online communities where people don't treat each other as human. I had allowed jerking off to turn me into a lazy faggot who couldn't focus on my academic or social life because all I wanted to do all day was lay in bed and watch porn. I started to wonder whether all this was inevitable, or if there were preventative measures I could've taken along the way to make me maybe less of an addict faggot. To this day, I don't think I've ever masturbated to a video of a person/people engaging in vanilla sexual acts, nor have I ever really found myself fantasizing about doing so. I think that my sexual interests being so leftfield, along with the fact that I was so aware of them at such a young age, made it so that I there wasn't much I could do when I initially fell down the pornography rabbit hole. Now, I want to look at where I'm going from here. My fetishes are probably the most integral aspect of my sexuality, so it's all a matter of how I deal with them, and I definitely wasn't going about it right by reducing myself to a username on somebody's screen who they can use at their will for sexual pleasure. I've been channeling my sexuality into music since I started making it back in May 2023. I've talked about everything I've mentioned here in my music, even if it hasn't been expressed verbally. endoskeleton colorbleed and The semen is demon were both reflections on the experiences I've had leading up this year, and lovepuddle deluxe and We Could All Be Digital and Femme at 79 BPM are visions of how I will move forward. Even if I continue to be a depraved freak, I at least want to be able to express it positively.
We Could All Be Digital and Femme at 79 BPM is music about my fur fetish. It was originally supposed to be released under my noise/dronebient project Objectum (which was anonymous until I typed this out), but I found it didn't really fit there. We Could All Be Digital and Femme at 79 BPM is one of the first steps in allowing myself to live with my sexuality as something other than a burden. I no longer wish to feel like the horny me and the regular me are two completely different people. I feel like this is a lot to say about a random ass EP, and I'm realizing that I probably could've made a larger artistic statement than this surrounding a topic that's so important to me, but it's all chill. We Could All Be Digital and Femme at 79 BPM is based around samples of people discussing fur clothing and blankets, specifically their production process and luxurious image. Expressing my fetish through music is fun. Would recommend. I spent more time writing this description than I did making the EP, and there's probably stuff I left out because of how many ideas were in my head at once.